Sumangala is in intense pain. She has just gone through a violent episode where her husband has thrown things at her, hit, slapped, kicked and attempted to choke her. She is emotionally, mentally and physically battered. Her children have watched her being abused by their father endless number of times. She is now willing to reach out and seek help.

Sumangala is a victim of domestic violence, also called ‘intimate partner violence’. The United Nations report on domestic violence states that this is highly prevalent in India. Societal and cultural taboos keep women from seeking help.

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behaviour in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can take many forms, including physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional, economic, or and/or psychological abuse. Most importantly, the abuser tries to control every part of a woman’s life. They exert total control by taking away her money, food, sleep, clothing, and transportation. Some may keep a woman from being in touch with her family and friends. Others may impose their power by preventing the use of birth control.  

Domestic violence knows no economic, educational, racial, religious, or age barriers. Abuse happens to women in all walks of life- it is not restricted to the poor and the uneducated.  No woman has to live with abuse. There are choices and options.

Why does a husband turn violent?

An abusive male is basically a bully. He may often have a family background of violence and may have low self-esteem and low self-confidence. He can be a great actor who appears to be a fun-loving, successful person, a pillar of society, even donating to charitable organizations. Typically he blames his partner for his violent acts and will often lull her by begging for forgiveness after each violent act. Often, he has a problem with alcohol or drugs. This may seem like the cause of the problem, but it is really just an excuse.  

Why does a woman stay?

Having been told repeatedly that they are defective and deserve the punishment that is being meted out to them, many abused women develop low self-esteem and low self-confidence. They end up believing that they somehow cause the abuse and that they can pacify the abuser by trying to please him or avoid getting him angry.  

Women stay in abusive relationships for a number of reasons. Financial dependence, a misplaced sense of loyalty and intense shame are the leading reasons. In India, both the parents and in-laws may wash their hands off for a variety of cultural and economic reasons. The woman may also be forced to stop working, thus losing her economic independence. Women also are afraid to leave because of the fear of losing their children.

Whatever her reasons for staying, the daily life of an abused woman is traumatic, dangerous and soul destroying.