One of the lessons life teaches us, however reluctant we are to learn the lesson, is the necessity of dealing with loss. There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, people we can't live without but have to let go. Entering the dark tunnel of grief and coming out at the other end unscathed or at least, minimally scarred, requires enormous focus and a lot of support from those closest to us. When a loved one dies, no two people grieve in exactly the same way.

Anjali has just lost her mother to cancer. Watching her cheerful and strong mother succumb to the disease has left Anjali drained and shaken. She finds herself tired all the time and at the same time unable to sleep. Anjali was always perceived as the pragmatic and sensible one in the family and seeing her losing her centre of gravity has left her family confused and out of sync. Anjali has to work her way through her sorrow and reach a place in her mind where acceptance spreads its gentle balm over the wound of loss.

Losing a parent, at any age, is a blow that can leave us disoriented and feeling forsaken. Who now will remember the pains and pleasures of our childhood? Who will remember our first day at school or the time we learnt our very first dance steps? Who will now love us unconditionally? When we lose a parent or a close elder relative, the landscape of our memories is altered irrevocably. Because a memory tends to become nebulous and tenuous when not validated by the presence of the person you formed them with, you face the terror of your own past becoming ephemeral.

On the other hand, the loss of a young one in the family either leaves us enraged at the reversal of all natural laws, or feeling hopelessly guilty that we were not able to prevent the loss. In the natural course of events, the young survive the old. When this anticipated and expected order is violated, we are left bereft and floundering.

 Unless we learn to cope with grief, it can overwhelm us and leave us susceptible to disease, both physical and emotional.

Stages of grieving

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a famous psychiatrist, studied the process of grieving. In her seminal book, 'Of Death and Dying', she identified five stages or phases that we experience while coming to terms with a loss:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

These are not steps that will occur in succession but will overwhelm us at unexpected times. These feelings will gradually give way to acceptance for most people. Many strategies have been worked out to help us deal with grief.